rainbow_frank

04:37 pm: i'm starting a new journal i've decided. and a new s/n
both are Hearhillaryroar

so add them
please
you're all added as my friends.... so YAY... haah. i'm deleting this one, and wn't be using hillary theklutz anymore.
it is time for a change. haha
=]

08:18 am: Today: Bio exam (fuck my life) actually... it is all on biochem, which is easy as fuck, and the other stuff is on the cell, which is the same material as microanatomy but less complex
but still, fuck my life.... this whore's tests are harder than life itself and i think she should fall down the stairs, break her leg, and postpone the exam.
Later: Run maybe?
After: La perla for Alyssa's Birthday... YAY
Tomorrow: Micro. Lab, STUDY STUDY STUDY... then Greys
Friday: Class, quick dr. appt, LIZBETH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday: RUN!!! Study. Study. Study. Study. Matt.
Sunday: Swim Practice. Study. Study.
Next week: psych test, micro test..... LALOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (family)



my sister wears a B-cup.... wtf?!?!?!? when i picture her i see like, a ten year old.
i guess she IS fourteen....
that is SO weird..... like, really?
she's going to HOMECOMING... her friend has a DATE.... she ALMOST got a date.... like, REALLY? REEEEEEEALLLLY?
k.
i'm done.



off to ochem. to drown my life in organic compounds. then die.

09:02 am: oh yeah.
and wtf was I thinking?
A fucking tattoo?
I'm regretting it now.
I like it, but WTF what if my parents see it?
acutally. they probably won't care, since they don't even call me anymore.
hahaha.
i'm going to go running i think.
and then when i get back, danielle won't be here to see me packing random things in a shoe box.
i'm not insane i promise. lmfao.
=]
well maybe a little. but that keeps me interesting.
=]

08:44 am: I am officially moving on from that disgusting part of my life. I'm going to continue to see nate, but it will only be to help make myself stronger.
I  am going to lose all the weight i gained, and when i have to go home and see my mother, i won't let her fuck me up. I may even talk toher... not that she'd understand. I find a hard time believing that ANYONE could understand, even though i think my dad kind of does.

I am taking a whole box of stuff and throwing it in the lake this morning. I know, I know, poll,ution and shit.... but really?  I'd rather add one box of non-toxic pollution in the lake, then have a fucked up soul.
I am going to lose this weight, but more healthfully. I think as long as I don't have an episode (which i WONT) it will come off fairly easily, due to swim team, and the fact that i'm going to run again. Haha, i have to prepare myself for a 15K by october 28th... that will be cutee, since i've run once since august..... but i think that that run was difficult cuz i was anemic (fucking hilarious i know).
Anyway, i'm going to do it. I think if I focus on health rather than weight loss, I will be better off overall..... Like when i used to count calories, i'd still eat what i want, but if i ate too much candy or something, then i'd starve myself the rest of the day to avoid calories, or if i only at like 200 kcals for breakfast, or really low for lunch, i'd eat WAY too much at dinner, thinking i could becuase i had the calories left over. So i think i need to not count Kcals, and just pay attention to the food i eat, and balance in meals, etc etc etc...... i'm going to try to sotp drinking diet soda also, because i'm sure it is  terrible for you, but it is just SO DAMN GOOD!!!! lol. oh lordy.

Anyway. I'm fixing myself. I will clear out my brain, and my body, and my heart, and be able to focus on school again. This is what matters.
Matt's mom is setting up a job shadow with  a P.A. for me (YAYAY) which is fucking awesome, because otherwise i'd have togo through wheaton franciscan, and get ANOTHER effing TB test, which woud suck the rather large diseased cock, AND pay for a physicial. Fuckmylife....



I'm excited forWednesday night, La Perla for Alyssa's Birthday!!!! I'm so excited to live with her and julia next year. YAY!

but, I'm even more excited for Friday, and to see Lizbeth, OMFG i missed her so much.
Then, next weekend I will be home saturday-sunday, and see laloo's homecoming,a nd go to m y grandparents, and there is a chance my aunt will be in (fuckmy life.... i get to see everyone when i'm fat! yay)
And then Halloween will be fucking awesome. I will SOOOOOOOO be at NIU..... whichi  think Matt is slighly frustrated at me for, but he'll deal, he'll deal..... haha. It'sonnly cuz he was going to have a party.... But as I see it, I'll be there friday-saturday, and i told him to have a party saturday if he wants me there that badly... so it will all work out..
omg. I'm excited.
for this friday.
then for next friday.
then for the friday after.
OMG YAY.
hahahahah

But for real. I wonder how much trouble i'd get in if i got caught throwing a box in the lake?
I really should study for philosopy.
Maybe i should just leave the box by the rescue mission?
But i'd feel bad giving my mad mojo to  some hobo.... lol.....
oh god. well i need to get rid of my baggage somehow.... and it needs to be more significan than in the garbage.
lol. hmmmmmmmm
maybe i'll throw it in a fedex box..... lmfao.
=]

oh yeah. and i got fuzzy shoe/slipper things.
and they make my life  a really really wonderful place.


fuck. i have a phil test today. that i have yet to study for....
oh well
at least i understand Descartes really really really well.

wow that was long.
i'm done.

07:34 am:

It is August first 2008.
i am a stong, independent, determined, ambitious, attractive woman.
Starting now.

11:04 pm: i eat like a horse.
and that is all. 
as soon as i start eating healthy and feeling good about myself... i have like sporadic eating binges.
ugh.
i probably have BED or something

i should probably just stop fixating on food.
but i don't think that ever is going to happen.
oh well.
=]

04:37 pm: w hat is it with me and peanut butter?
i don't know.
i'm probably destined to be a giant peanut forever.
and ever.
yay.

08:03 pm: my moth er is a bipolar freak.
i am rapidly becoming obese.
i want to go back to school.
I am not going to weigh myself until a week from monday. that will be monday, August 4th.
this will prevent fixation i think.
I am not allowed to count calories ANYMORE. nor am i allowed to write down what i eat.
Then again. i am also not allowed to eat cookies, or chocolate candy. because then i have a tendency to eat seven mini snickers bars due to my efforts to not eat ANY mini snickers bars.
hillary+ fixation+ inability to run necessary distance to remain sane= bad news bears.

I have to keep in mind that my mother's dietary habits are not normal, are not healthy, and that one day, when her bones are degenerating, and liver failing, i will still be happy and healthy (even with a frankenstein foot) even though i may have a few more pounds than i'd like.

besides. at least i have boobs.

i think i need to get my tatoo. 
either a treble clef on my hip. or an eighth note.
or script of "inspiration" somewhere. i WOULD want it on my inner wrist, or thumb... but that would be noticed easily by the parents, and future employers.... maybe scrip on the hip wouldn't be bad?
hmm.

i don't know.
i should probably wait until i go back to school, and get it done where i got my belly button pierced.
i am sweating ike a pig.
my house is so fucking hot.


and someone shit on my scrub pants yesterday. so i may wear pink ones tomorrow
though i do have white ones, which comply with the dress code, however, i want an excuse to wear the pink ones. they make my butt look nice. =]

ugh.
sweat sweat sweat. 
joy.


oh yeah. and FUCK ecc summer classes.

05:00 pm: I love  my boyfriend.
He's a nerd. and a creep.
but so am i. 
these are good things.
he eats like a beast.
but so do it.
he's like my mirror image. but tall brunette, with a penis. and less mentally fucked up.
well. maybe not.
maybe we're equal in that regard. =]

anywho.

i think i'm going to need to start contacting my roomie for next year.
oh lordy.

10:21 pm: I  hate my life.
I hate my ECC class.
I have sunburn.
I ate like shit today, and a lot.
I think when i restrict myself too much, I have the tendency to binge certain days. 
Ugh. Need more balance.
Less work, more fun.
Less calorie counting+more enjoyment=more balance overall? 
Probably.
I get to run tomorrow anyway.
I'll feel better after that.

I got a new bellybutton ring, but am concerned that it may get ripped out, as it is a dangly one.
I'll have to risk it... I'll just tape it at work. (surgical/athletic tape that is...)